The things that really make life meaningful – love, respect, peace, and joy – all require one key ingredient – healthy self-esteem.
Everyone knows, every person we meet won’t be gracious or kind. But then,
- why do we get hurt when someone is rude or mean as that’s always a possibility?
- why do we beat ourselves up with someone’s action or reaction that we take to be personal?
- Why do we take their interpretation of us to heart, encouraging low self-esteem?
It’s either that the situation is complicated or because we are too sensitive and dislike any kind of discord that we let other people tell us who we are. But the real problem arises from believing it to be true. That’s when we begin to let others take control of our life.
Self-esteem is how we think of ourselves and not essentially how others see us. And the meaning of low self-esteem is valuing yourself less based on some limiting beliefs or lack of external validation.
“Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself.”
– Harvey Fierstein
It’s super important to value & respect yourself because it lays the foundation for what you expect from life and how you experience it. But when we start believing others’ description of us to be true, it makes us doubt ourself, doubt our capacity, and warps our view of life.
Psychologist Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs shows that we need respect, both from others and from ourselves, to explore our full potential & find fulfillment in life.
Sections/Navigation
- 9 ways how to overcome low self-esteem
- Common causes of low self-worth
- Symptoms of low self-esteem
- How does it affect our relationships
- 10 ways how to stop taking things personally because of low self-worth
- Inspirational quotes to motivate you to value yourself more
- Summary
How do you fix low self-esteem?
The path to get a healthy value of self-worth begins by accepting that things can change, goes through stages where you take aware actions and ends at confidence, understanding, & a balanced approach to situations.
Here’s how you can begin and continue building on it –
1. Make a list
Set aside an hour or two to sit quietly and introspect. Write down everything that comes to your mind which doesn’t show positively on you, self-critical thoughts.
For example, “I don’t think I am smart enough to apply for the promotion”, “ I am not good enough for _____”, “I am not important enough for ____ to say yes for _____ with me”, “I never do anything right”.
2. Analyze
Ask yourself if you are overstretching and committing to more than you can manage. If so, the strain to meet commitments and possibly handling the failures might be making you look at your qualities in a negative way.
Also, try to go deeper and find the reason behind your thoughts of not-enough-ness. What convinced you to be true about yourself. Like someone said, “this doesn’t come in your size” for you to develop body insecurity.
3. Rephrase to overcome low self-esteem
Whatever thoughts you come up within your list, make another one with the positive versions of those.
For example, write “No one would ever like me” as “The right people would always like me. Those who don’t probably aren’t my people.” Or, for things like “I’m not skilled enough for that job” as “I’m not skilled enough yet, but I can learn.”
‘Yet’ is a powerful word when it comes to looking at your qualities as the potential for growth rather than as weaknesses.
4. Date yourself
Do something for yourself every day that makes you happy. It’ll program your subconscious mind to think of yourself as important too.
Scrunch up something easy but special for dinner even if you are having it alone, get comfy on the couch and watch your favourite movie. Rekindle a childhood hobby, read if you like books, or simply pamper yourself – whatever makes you happy.
5. Show up for yourself
Don’t let people talk down to you. If you’re a sensitive person, even unintentional things might hurt you.
A good place to start is when people are openly mean or negative towards you. Start small by walking away from the situation without confrontation. Then keep on building on this new-found confidence to start speaking up & letting others know what you will accept & what you won’t. I know, it sounds scary. But once you do it, strip it off like a band-aid, the momentum on your confidence & self-worth keeps building up.
6. Mind your neighbors (kind of)
Take care of who you keep close to you. Do they make you feel good about yourself & help you when you need to improve? Or, do they keep pulling you down over and over again?
Keep those who build you up and give you confidence close to you. And create as much distance as possible away from those who prefer a negative outlook about everything, including you.
7. Be kind to yourself
When you start working on your self-esteem, there will be moments when it would be tough to look at things any other way. But that’s OK. That’s normal.
Be kind to yourself & remember what matters is you’re aware of slipping back to your old ways sometimes and are ready to get back on track. Don’t let yourself see it as one more of your weaknesses, but as an indication that you are becoming more mindful of your life.
8. Refocus to overcome low self-esteem
Take the focus away from yourself and do something to make someone else happy. Volunteer, do something good & unexpected for your neighbour or friend, thank those whom we take for granted like the support staff or delivery guys.
It works both ways because when you make someone happy, their gratitude or the joy that shows in their face shows how valuable you can be for someone’s emotions without trying too hard. It’ll shift your focus & help you look at yourself & your qualities in a new light.
9. Boundaries
Be clear in your mind how much you will allow & what you won’t accept. When you have healthy boundaries in your life, you show people how you want to be treated.
Learn to say no kindly but firmly to maintain your peace of mind, create a lifestyle that supports & boosts your improved view of your worth, and helps you truly live rather than just survive.
What can cause low self-esteem?
Low self-esteem is not valuing yourself enough for who you truly are, but taking others’ definition of you to be true. Life is complex and there are a 101 type of experiences that we go through. Some of them make us feel good, while others manage to touch a painful spot.
Generally, what causes low self-esteem is –
- Dealing with negative people.
- Living in a negative environment.
- Discrimination.
- Not measuring up to conventional standards of success, talent, or appearance.
- Past failures.
- Past mistakes.
- Traumas leaving a physical, emotional, or mental scar.
- A situation we currently in that we feel no control over.
- Believing you’re born with a limited set of talents & new can’t be learned.
- Direct or indirect effect of a medical disorder.
can make us focus one the negative qualities that we imagine we have, or make us look at what we have in a negative way. It’s tough to respect someone who you see to be full of faults.
Changing our perspective, how we look at what we have, even if it means taking professional help, can make you see value in what you do have.
Past experiences should only be valued for what lessons they hold and not as a judgment on who you are.
According to Fredric Neuman, M.D., “the attitudes we have towards ourselves, and towards the world in general, grow out of the way we are treated growing up…Such persons are also likely to feel guilty, in addition to feeling inadequate and ineffectual. They blame themselves for everything…they are suffering from a set of long-held beliefs, stemming from misconceptions they have learned growing up—from ideas. Treatment, then, has to be directed towards changing these ideas.”
What are the signs of low self-esteem?
Low self-esteem can show itself in our thoughts, our attitude, our relationships and in many other aspects of our life. When you judge yourself too harshly or stay stuck in uncertainty too often, it means you need to work on your self-worth.
Some common ways in which low self-esteem symptoms can show themselves in how you feel, act or think are
- Taking things personally too often.
- Negative self-talk like “I am not good enough” or “I am not smart enough” similar self-deprecating thoughts.
- Feeling hopeless & generally blue.
- Focusing more on mistakes & failures than what you did well.
- Not being able to express your needs.
- Not committing to any viewpoint strongly.
- Seeing failure as final and letting it define who they are.
- Get in the habit of procrastinating because of fear of failure.
- Trying to ape others (instead of getting inspired) because of the mindset that others are better.
How does low self-esteem affect relationships?
How you value yourself shows not only in how you interpret your experiences, others behaviour and comments, but also in how you behave with others.
According to research, people with low self-esteem are more likely to show bad mood, sulk, or whine to get their partners to notice & extend support. But usually, when this becomes normal behavior, it gets a negative reaction like “just get over it”. So they start feeling ignored, not valued or loved, pulling their view of self-worth further down.
Suppose your partner is in a tight spot professionally and has to cancel date night. Now, there isn’t time enough to explain because the deadline is tight.
If you interpret it as his work being more important than your relationship for him, that you are not good enough for him anymore and start feeling hurt & insecure, it’s going to do 2 things:
- You’ll show your feelings by moping, sulking, giving the silent treatment or showing your bad mood in other ways.
- Your partner might be responsive initially and try to make you feel better. But, if it becomes a regular fixture (which usually happens with people with low self-esteem), they would start avoiding you till you get over it further adding to strain in your relationship.
It’s not a nice place to be in emotionally as unhealthy self-worth shows up in ways that create a negative cycle of experiences. We become unable to strike that delicate balance between showing understanding & voicing your needs which make relationships healthy, enjoyable, and lasting.
“When you’re different, sometimes you don’t see the millions of people who accept you for what you are. All you notice is the person who doesn’t.”
– Jodi Picoult
How to stop low self-esteem make us take things personally
1. Permission
Don’t give anyone else’s comments permission to tear you down. They don’t know you better than you do yourself.
Sensitive people dislike any kind of discord and so give out the vibe of being least likely to confront. And so, they end up on the receiving end of others’ emotional backlash, more than others.
Being sensitive is good because it means you’re kind and emotionally generous. But it also makes you vulnerable to go down a negative spiral over how you ‘interpret’ a certain situation or comment, what someone might have meant.
Spend some time alone, exploring your thoughts to get clear about your strengths, weaknesses, & priorities. Be open to suggestions but set boundaries where you let it reach your head but not your heart.
Treat them for what they are – possible ways of changing things about you and NOT a word-picture of who you are.
Don’t let anyone introduce you to yourself. Because logically, no one can know you better than yourself.
“As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster. .. You have to know who you are – what others say is irrelevant.”
– Nic Sheff
2. Self-worth
Show yourself some love and be less judgemental of yourself. When you value your qualities for what they are and not how they compare with others, you start looking at things in a more constructive way.
Don’t let anyone introduce you to yourself. When you focus on your weaknesses more than your strengths, it becomes easier to take something small and think the heck out of it ending in a negativity spiral.
Tara Parker-Pope mentioned in a New York Times article how people who ranked high on self-compassion tests tended to happier, less depressive & anxious, and showed a more positive attitude towards things.
When you have a healthy view of your self-worth, you’ll be able to see more clearly when something bitter or negative tells more about the other person than about you.
3. Beliefs
The environment we have grown up in shapes a lot of our beliefs about what’s right, what’s accepted, what must be done when and a lot of things that quietly guide our thoughts & actions.
But they necessarily aren’t always true or the right way of approaching things. The beliefs that makes you look at your qualities in a negative way pull your self-worth down and limits what you think is possible for you.
It becomes easy to take unintentional comments personally when these limiting beliefs make you feel in your heart that you’re falling short.
Revisit those beliefs that make you feel less and prove them wrong to pull yourself out from under their spell. When you’re confident in your skin, it becomes easier to see things for what they are & not take everything personally.
4. Let go
If some people in your life are sending you down a negative spiral mentally, let them go. It’s not worth the constant mental anguish they’re causing you.
But, what if someone is passive-aggressive and it’s complicated to let them go?
There are many things you can do, but the easiest approach to begin with would be to just avoid their company as much as you can. When you do have to be with them, keep telling yourself that their actions, reactions or comments do not in any way reflect on who you are.
Remember, no matter how important they seem in your life right now, it’s not worth the constant mental anguish they’re causing you.
5. Backstories
Keep aside the backstories and try to look at things without being influenced by them. Sometimes these backstories or preconceptions about who we are dealing make us see things in a totally different light, “Oh, he’s a jerk with everyone, so he must be being snarky with me.”
Whenever you find yourself in such situations, be mindful of your thoughts. Set aside those stories & look at the interaction with a fresh set of eyes. You never know, you may be the exception that they make.
Or, maybe you’re conscious of the way you look or do something. It can make even an innocent remark touch a sore point for you.
Before you take anything to heart, give yourself a moment. Look at it as a conversation between two strangers. Then see what you think about it.
More often than not, it’ll show you how worthless it is to let it reach your heart.
Show some self-love and rephrase your qualities in a positive way because you deserve your own compassion more than anyone else does. It’s an antidote to low self-esteem and a better way to live life.
6. Ego
“Are you saying I’m not important enough for you?” Sometimes we take things personally because it hurts our ego rather than what’s directly presented by the other person’s word or gestures.
It’s more in our mind when we interpret situations by assuming stuff. Stop and ask yourself, “Is it really how I am seeing it or is it more hitting a point that’s bringing up other emotions for me?”.
When you’re able to differentiate between the two, you grow as a person and get more peace of mind.
7. Take a step back
Take a short break and concentrate on your breathing whenever a situation sends you down the rabbit hole. It’ll calm your mind and clear up your thoughts.
Emotions blur our vision makes it difficult to see what’s going on actually. So when you give them time to calm down, you are able to see other possibilities & perspectives.
It’s good to stay mindful of what’s might be going on around you. But, it’s also important to be able to look & analyse things from a more rational point of view to avoid wasting your time & peace of mind on things that aren’t worth it.
8. Extend your compassion
It’s tough when what our parents or siblings say hits a sore point in our hearts. You might think, “I can’t believe they could say that when they know it wasn’t my fault!” There are two aspects of this – one you’ve control over and one over which you don’t.
You can’t control why someone behaves a certain way. But you do have control over how you react to it.
In a situation like this, take a moment and focus on your breathing to calm that immediate reaction. It’s not easy, but take a step back & try to see them as individuals with faults like everyone else.
When you know what to expect, it will be easier to tune out the hurtful ones & use your energy to only deal with real issues. Also, when you don’t expect them to be perfect, it’s easier to extend your compassion to them and not take things too personally.
9. Leave your past in the past
Look at your past mistakes only as a means to an end – to know what not to do, what to do instead, and how to do it better. Don’t let these cast a shadow on what you believe you can do today or in the future.
Remember, people don’t remember your mistakes as much as you do yourself, they are more wrapped up in their own lives. They’ll bring it up only to soothe their own hurt or take away the focus from their own shortcomings.
So basically, it isn’t about you!
10. In a relationship
To make a relationship work, there has to be respect – for yourself and for the other person. It all comes down to how aware are you of who you are, what are your strengths and where you can improve, healthy boundaries, and knowing when the balance is off-balance between what you are letting slide and showing up for yourself.
When someone tell you to “just get over it” about lots of things, it’s time to pause and see
- Is it because they just like the fun part of your relationship and aren’t ready to get serious enough to be emotionally available? Or,
- Are your insecurities making you act out to get sympathy from your partner, but is becoming a kind of regular-thing.
Don’t write it down or discuss with someone else. Just answer yourself truthfully and go from there.
Quotes to inspire you – value yourself more & overcome low self-esteem
These inspirational quotes about low self-esteem are good reminders of how valuable each and every one of us is in our own unique way. When you start accepting yourself weaknesses and all, you are able to be more kind to others and enjoy life in its entirety.
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
– Buddha
“Avoid focusing on what you cannot do. Instead, focus on what you can do and accomplish without expecting approval and recognition from others.” – Lisa Lieberman-Wang
“Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” — Louise L. Hay
“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.”
— Harvey Fierstein
“People may flatter themselves just as much by thinking that their faults are always present to other people’s minds as if they believe that the world is always contemplating their individual charms and virtues.” — Elizabeth Gaskell
“We are what our thoughts have made us; so take care about what you think. Words are secondary. Thoughts live; they travel far. “ – Swami Vivekananda
When it comes to overcoming low self-esteem, it becomes really important to have the intention to look at things in a more positive way and be less self-critical. A healthy value of self-worth makes our relationships, every day experiences, and journey in life more enjoyable and successful.
All you need to do is look within you, find what’s hurting, and adjust your beliefs & thoughts in a way that helps you grow and not break you down.
Work on breaking those limiting beliefs, on proving them obsolete. Learn to look at your qualities in a way that keeps the focus on your strength & abilities while being aware of areas where you could improve.
Self-worth is how you look at yourself, it’s internal. And so, the decision lies only with you whether you want to stay hurting or to change your mindset so as to enjoy life so much better.
Which of these did you find most valuable, the one that spoke to you? Let me know in the comment below so that we can continue this conversation over there.
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Thanks for this topic. This really helps me to refocus my obsession of what people think of me. I have gotten better about not letting people’s reactions or no reaction bother me but it still something I have to work on. It’s not always about me!
Yeess Teresa….it’s more often than not about them & their emotions than it’s about you….because when it’s about you, the reactions are more constructive!