It’s important to learn how to set healthy boundaries because they allow only those things in, that we are comfortable with….whether it’s allowing people into our home or a question of extending our compassion and tolerance beyond a point.
It’s not about trying to change how others think, speak, or behave but about our choices and decisions. Healthy boundaries uncomplicate our life to a great degree by letting others know clearly how we expect to be treated and also what kind of response they can expect from us.
Why set healthy boundaries
When we set clear personal boundaries
- It helps us value our own opinions and not get bullied into doubting our choices.
- We stop overextending and compromising our values for someone else.
- They bring the clarity to say yes or no with full conviction…and also take a no for an answer with the same level of maturity.
How to set healthy boundaries
Here’s how to get started on the right foot when setting healthy boundaries in relationships or life in general.
1. Strong foundation
The very first thing to do is understand that boundaries look different for every person. But one thing that’s common for every one of them is, they are meant to set clear ground rules and the reaction in case these lines are crossed.
We don’t say this is how I expect you to behave. Instead, we say clearly this is what I am willing to do or accept and if you don’t respect that, then I’m going to walk away, or leave the conversation…or whatever feels right to you for that situation.
Healthy boundaries are all about making those choices and lines clear which you don’t expect to be crossed and also what would be your decision if that happens. It’s totally up to the other person which option they decide to choose.
2. Finding the right place to start
Get clear about what’s important to you, what things go against your values? Which situations usually make you feel you are always doing things everyone else wants and never what you want?
That’s the place to start. Choose the one making you feel resentful or angry the most. Find out what would make you feel more in control in these situations, what would be acceptable to you. Those are your boundaries.
But the key is to start small.
Let’s take an example which if you have lived long enough, will connect with you. There are people who know we value them for some reason or other, and they take it as a go-sign to start making decisions for us or make hurtful comments justifying it as tough love.
So this would be a place where boundaries would do us good. But, remember the key is to start small.
3. Creating clear boundaries
One of the most important steps is voicing our boundaries, clearly communicating them to others. Because otherwise they just remain wishful thinking – I wish people would stop taking me for granted, or I wish they would stop talking like that to me.
I know, it’s easier said than done because there’s always the fear of conflict, coming across as selfish, or pushing people away.
But, if you are convinced of the importance of that boundary in your life, it will give you the initial push needed to dash past these barriers and voice your decision.
4. Maintaining boundaries
All this effort of finding the areas that need urgent attention, figuring out the best approach, and stepping out of our comfort zone to voice them are short-lived if we don’t follow through.
If we are not consistent about respecting & standing by our own boundaries, it shows the people we aren’t that sold on our own decisions, our boundaries are open for negotiation, and so it’s okay for them too to keep ignoring these ground rules.
Like we take care of physical boundaries to keep us safe from intruders and unwanted people, personal boundaries to need our attention to keep them in good condition.
Maintaining them is as important as knowing how to set healthy boundaries.
It may be because you are a compassionate person that it feels tough to stick to your decision when the other person makes such a strong case for their need, it might feel selfish, or they might make you feel like a nag for bringing the point of appropriate boundaries again and again…and so you want to let this be an exception.
But, before doing so, we need to be very clear whether it’s really our compassion making us treat this as an exception or are we our bad habits popping back up.
Setting healthy boundaries takes effort and so it’s important to not let them fade away if we want to efficiently use our time, energy, & resources.