Why and how to be a better listener using active listening skills

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“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”

-Ralph G. Nichols

What makes a good listener feature in most people’s list of ideal partner qualities? That’s because a good listener makes you feel understood, valued, & respected — basically, validated. And active listening skills give you the tools to make the other person feel just that.

When we let others work through their own issues simply by being there, encouraging them to explore their thoughts & see things more clearly, we are respecting their innate intelligence in coming up with a solution.

You are simply providing a safe space where they can create a verbal mind map of their thoughts. And so, you are helping them to work through their feelings & issues on their own without them feeling judged or considering you condescending for giving unasked-for advice.

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Sections/Navigation

• Why active listening is a life skill worth your priority
• 5 ways how to be a better listener
• What really is an active listening skill
• 9 usual barriers to listening effectively
• Summary

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Why is active listening skill important?

Active listening isn’t just about letting the other person speak. It’s about offering emotional support without speaking, respecting the other person, encouraging them to explore their thoughts, & letting them feel understood without judgment.

“The worst of all listeners is the man who does nothing but listens.” 

-Charles Dickens

Being a good listener adds value to every important aspect of our life.

1. Relationships:

Good communication is one of the most essential things when it comes to relationships. It’s as much about listening as it’s about sharing your thoughts. Whether it’s your love life, family, friends, or co-workers, good communication is one of the most important things that’ll decide whether you have a great time connecting with them or a bumpy ride.

When you actually listen, not just hear what the other person is saying, & show it to them, they feel empowered & validated in the relationship. That feeling of belonging can successfully carry relationships over rough patches & hard times.

“Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply.”

– Roy T. Bennett

Listening actively will also give you a better insight into the person you are communicating with. You get to know the best ways to keep that connection thriving. You also get more clarity about how much you want to invest yourself in that relationship to be able to still protect your own happiness by avoiding those “if only I had seen through that before” regret moments.

2. Social benefits:

Active listening skills make the other person feel special. When you make others feel special, they warm up towards you, open up more & invite you into their friend circle. It makes you more relatable helping you make friends faster.

We always prefer people who can recall something special & specific about us and so in turn we remember them over others.

Whom would you remember more the next time you meet them – that friend of a friend you were introduced to who asked about your car problem the next time you met them? Or, the one who can barely remember your name?

That’s active listening in real life.

3. Professional:

When you give your undivided attention to what’s being said you don’t miss out on important facts. But with added active listening skills, you’re able to understand even the untold things from subtle nonverbal hints that can give you the edge over others.

It’ll help resolve confrontations at the workplace effectively with a better understanding & acknowledgement of clashing perspectives of team members.

“Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.” – Bernard M. Baruch

It’ll help you get a deeper understanding of the facts, opportunities, & situations to help make the right decisions. You learn more and are able to explore new opportunities – basically, your horizon widens considerably.

4. Growth:

Active listening is a skill that requires a lot of patience, understanding, & flexibility of perspective in life. Personal growth is all about adding positively to what you have today. 

And mastering this skill will give you a level of emotional maturity that not only makes you more trustworthy & a better decision-maker but also a more evolved human being.

“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.”

– Dalai Lama

You can strip down the motivating factor behind your life goals to either success, happiness, or peace of mind in different proportions. But to reach these life goals, everyone has to grow in one way or other.

Listening is as much a part of that journey as is taking action because it helps you learn & understand better. It’s about getting to the core of thoughts, ideas, & facts — one of the most important elements of effective efficient action.

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How to be a better listener using active listening skills?

1. It all begins with You:

Begin by being mindful of your own thoughts. Are you giving your undivided attention to the speaker? Avoid any kind of distraction like the dings on your phone. They can wait.

When you are mindful of what the person is saying, doing, and trying to convey through unspoken words, you remember what’s being said better. Noting & remembering the ideas & feelings that weren’t said out aloud is one of the main indications of being an effective listener.

It’s normal to get distracted by other things going around you if you aren’t in a quiet or peaceful environment. Stay aware of when you are losing focus & pull yourself back to the conversation.

Our mind tends to wander off-topic when the discussion isn’t interesting enough. Remember the reason why you’re in this conversation in the first place. Keep reminding yourself that and also that your role is to help the other person explore their thoughts & feelings.

It takes empathy & persistence to be an effective listener.

2. What didn’t they say:

Nonverbal indicators give you a peek into people’s subconscious. What does their tone of voice tell you about their present emotional state?  What do their hand gestures & body language tell you about their attitude right now?

Remember that the other person is trying to find his/her way through all the overlapping & branching thoughts, emotions, ideas, & feelings. Give them your quiet attention so that their chain of thought isn’t broken. But at the same time, note all the nonverbal cues.

These will help you understand what they are truly trying to communicate and not just what they are saying. When you simply listen to what’s being said, it’s normal to get a “you are not getting the point.”

For example, someone’s telling you about their day and that everything seemed to go wrong from the morning. If you pay attention to their nonverbal cues you would be able to figure out what was the one thing that cast a shadow on every other experience.

Maybe they thought they had done an exceptional job only to end up receiving criticism for something very minor. That made them focus on the negative side of everything that happened with them throughout the day.

And so, you’ll be in a better position to guide the discussion that way & offer support which makes the other person feel “he/she really gets me”.

You can make someone feel understood without them having to spell out everything. This happens if you stay mindful of their nonverbal cues & prompt them through the discussion in a way that helps them maneuver through their muddled thoughts.

3. How good is your nonverbal language skill?

When someone is telling you something, they’re looking for nonverbal cues from you too to gauge your level of interest in the conversation.

How long are you likely to continue your conversation if the other person keeps rearranging things on the table, checking their phone, or seems more interested in whatever is going around you?

Show empathy as well as sympathy whenever appropriate to show your interest. Nod to show you are in the conversation, but remember nodding too vigorously will show you want to hurry them along. These are subtle gestures but have as big an effect as spoken words.

Research shows that people feel more understood when their & the listener’s gestures match. So, match their eye contact, hand movements, body stance in a natural way. Take care not to seem like you are playing a monkey-see-monkey-do game. Just focus on giving them positive nonverbal feedback.

4. Don’t wait your turn:

Just like white space offers contrast for the visual elements to have bigger impact in photography, home décor, advertisements, & painting…your silence too as a listener plays a strong role in any conversation.

Don’t wait for your turn but let them finish & pitch in when there’s an organic pause.

“There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak.”

– Simon Sinek

Be patient. Don’t interrupt the speaker or hurry them with prompts like “go on, go on” or nodding too vigorously.

Be silent but don’t let your mind wander off. Keep encouraging them to speak with nonverbal prompts like hmm, right etc. Maintain a relaxed vibe and pay attention to what’s being said.

When you pitch in, don’t change the subject, don’t repeat the last spoken sentence, and avoid saying anything that sounds judgmental. Instead,

• Summarize what they just said & ask an encouraging question like “so you feel…”. Or,
• Ask them what they think is the solution. Like. “so, what do you think it really was about?” Or,
• List the solutions that were touched on during the conversation & ask them which one do they prefer, “So you think either_____ or ____or _____should be done?”

5. Be tolerant:

Listening to others with an open mind is important because people have different personalities and that is what makes each one of us unique. You don’t have to like everyone’s take on life, just being tolerant is a great first step.

It’s important that you go into a conversation with an open mind. Be ready to look at things from the other person’s perspective too. I know it’s easier said than done, especially when the conversation turns uncomfortable. It’s tough to stay calm & concentrate when all you want to do is speak your mind.

The trick is to take a step back whenever you find yourself ready to react than respond. Take a few deep breaths to calm yourself down and also buy time to review & edit your response. The intensity & timing of your reaction can decide whether you are a good listener or not.

The reason those with good listening skills stand out from others is that…they go in with an intention to help others explore their thoughts and not to judge.

If someone wanted to be judged, the easiest way would be to post their thought on social media. They are not doing that but prefer speaking to you for a reason.

• Remind yourself of the reason why that person is discussing something with ‘you’ and no one else.
• Focus on helping them explore their thoughts & keeping it on-topic right now. There will always be time to explore your feelings about the topic later.
• If you really want to, ask permission before offering any advice.
• Don’t get lost in rabbit tracks. Just keep your focus on leading the discussion towards a solution. It will help you to handle tough or emotionally charged situations with a calmer & mature outlook.

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What do you mean by active listening skills

When someone makes you feel understood, gives you the space to explore your thoughts talking to them, makes you feel comfortable & not judged,  they are actively listening to you. You feel more connected to them. That’s the power of active listening skills.

Would you rather have them as your friend or the ones who are either just waiting for their chance to speak or giving more attention to the ding on their phones than to you while you’re speaking?

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Barriers to effectively using active listening skills

Assumptions & misunderstandings can really harm any relationship, whether personal or professional. Interestingly, what causes these are mostly barriers that distort the meaning & intended message of what’s being said when we’re talking to someone.

Here are some of the most common barriers to effectively using active listening skills that can stop us from having a meaningful conversation with our family, friends, colleagues, or for that matter, with anyone else.

1.         Preconceived notions:

Our experiences in life create a bunch of stories that we store away in our minds to refer to when something similar happens to us later. We use them as mental touchstones to have an idea of what the outcome might be.

You can think of these preconceived notions as personal baggage that stops us from understanding what’s being said in the right spirit because of the emotional response they trigger. They make it tough to realize that there might be other ways of looking at things.

2.         Distracted:

Getting distracted by the speaker’s appearance, how they speak, or some peculiar behavior they may have can take us right away from even sometimes hearing what’s being said.

Other distractions like when it’s too windy, noisy, busy, crowded can also make effective listening a challenge.

3.         Personal discomfort:

It’s tough to really be a good listener when you’re in pain, are tired, hungry, sad, or feeling too hot or too cold. They kind of take the attention away from others to our own survival (as our primitive mind sees it).

4.         Judging:

When we go in with the mindset to judge others rather than be open to the existence of other points of view, we filter out ideas that we don’t agree with. That can take away a lot from the meaning of what’s being said.

When we judge others on what they are saying, it essentially means we are starting a parallel stream of thoughts in our mind & not paying our full attention to the speaker.

5.         Multitasking:

The quick peek at the phone notifications, checking out the restaurant menu, tidying up the desk, & so many other things that we think will help save time later on & move things along.

However proud we might be of our multitasking talent, it doesn’t make us a good listener. Because hearing & listening are two very different things.

6.         Boredom:

It’s easy to lose track of what’s being said when bored with the topic either because it’s not something we are interested in or because it has been repeated just so many times. Just like a teenager reacting to almost anything being said to them : )

7.         More focus on speaking than listening:

Sometimes to show we understand, we tend to chip in with our own insights & stories more than letting the other person finish. It may be well-intended but does tend to shift the focus away from them leaving the speaker feeling unheard.

Also, trying to come up with solutions when the other person simply wants someone to bounce off their thoughts or ideas with, doesn’t help. It leaves the speaker feeling more confused & dissatisfied.

8.         Pretending to listen:

Whether it’s to avoid conflict with the ones we care, letting the other person speak so that the conversation would end, or for any other reason, most of us have one time or other pretended to listen when our mind was busy with something totally different. But the bottom line is, this does prove to be a barrier to effective listening.

9.         Getting defensive:

Not everything is about us, no matter how much it seems to be so. It’s easy to take things personally when something the other person said (intentionally or unintentionally) touches a raw chord within us. We get defensive, stop listening past that point, focusing only on how to ‘get back’. The conversation takes a different turn.

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“We all have a good listener within us. It all just depends on the ability and desire to be mindful of where you are and who you’re talking to.”

– Paul Sacco

The need for being understood & heard without judgment is one of our basic unspoken needs. Effective listening makes you more relatable because you are basically reflecting back what’s within them.

Active listening skills improve and broaden our understanding of life. It helps us become evolved and mature in the true sense.

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So tell me, which of these 5 tips spoke to you most?

Please leave a comment below & share your thoughts with us.

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