What do you think? What’s the one thing that makes you feel confident in any situation?
It’s knowing we have everything under control… in control of what needs to be done as well as of the possible risks. And so, self-doubt or low self-esteem…. a feeling of imperfect control comes from what similar experience from our past, or from those anxious predictions…. overestimating risk and underestimating our ability to cope with them.
And these CBT-based techniques, target both the root of the problem as well as help build confidence and self esteem immediately in every situation.
3 Science-based techniques to build confidence and self esteem
1. Quick confidence boost
First, let’s go for the technique that can make us feel more confident pretty quickly. Now, let’s say, there’s something I’ve always wanted to do, it has been my dream to do that. But when an opportunity pops up, I let it pass because I felt I wasn’t ready yet.
And that’s okay in itself, but it becomes a problem when it turns into a pattern… we keep holding back waiting for the perfect time or perfect conditions to begin. Because that then shows a lack of confidence in ourselves… in our ability to do what that situation might demand.
What Helps Instead –
What can prove really effective here is to use the problem-solving approach of CBT because it empowers us to move from the passenger to the driver seat, feel more in control in any situation.
Step 1: Get down to specifics
Ask why you are holding back till you get a specific reason. Like, if I am not feeling ready yet… why? Well, may be because I feel I might fail. Again, why? Because I think I don’t have what it requires, don’t have some of the skills. So, you see, we get to a specific – from feeling not ready to what’s specifically missing.
Step 2: Brainstorm and evaluate solutions
And so now, we can work on that specific to stack the odds more in our favor. We start finding solutions to that problem staying focused on the things we can control. Because when we can see that there are ways to get over those things we had doubts about… it makes us feel more confident in our ability to do what’s needed.
Step 3: Take action
To make this feeling more permanent, come up with an action plan because taking action helps build confidence and self esteem... how we think of our abilities and capabilities.
But, how do you feel confident when you know things can’t work out your way?
2. Improve motivation (in low confidence and self esteem situations)
Sometimes, it’s not what we feel doubtful about, but what we know we can’t do that saps our confidence, right? Like, “I can’t do that because I am not good with numbers”, or “these things never work out for me.” These only add to our feeling of dissatisfaction… of something missing in life.
See, the problem is, we think life works in black and white – what was true in the past will also happen in the future. But that’s not true, is it? Because if it were, there won’t be so many heartbreaks and frustrations because of unmet expectations.
But what this also means is that what we couldn’t do in the past may have changed now… what didn’t work in the past may bring different results now.
What Helps Instead –
And what helps giving a second chance to the things we “know” is cognitive restructuring… a very effective CBT technique, which is essentially about looking at the situation from other points of views to open up more possibilities...because possibilities give us hope and make us feel more confident.
So, using a condensed version of Socratic questioning, start by asking –
Step 1: Evidence
What evidence you have for and against that thought. Like, if I feel I am not smart enough to learn say, virtual reality coding, what makes me think that?
Step 2: Fact or feeling
What’s making me think that a fact or is it just what I feel?
Step 3: Experienced or told
If it’s a fact, then is there something in the past that made me feel this way or was I told it was so? Or, was I just told that it was so?
Step 4: What else could it mean
If it was a specific situation, then is there any other way to look at it? Like, in the example we took of coding, if I couldn’t learn a coding in the past even after I tried really hard, can that be that I might not have chosen the right person to learn from or chose the wrong goal to work towards, because it’s something that didn’t really interest me?
See, how this opens up possibilities? If we can see the thought as the worst-case scenario instead of the most likely outcome, we feel more confident and a little less dismissive of our ability to see it through… it goes a long way to build confidence and self esteem in that situation.
But, it’s not always easy to look at situations this objectively, especially if things haven’t been going our way lately and are feeling a bit down in the dumps, right?
3. Overriding the default mode to build confidence and self esteem
You know how sometimes you feel “this won’t work, it’s such a drab”. And, so you go out for the night with friends, have a great time, return home, and that thing doesn’t seem so bleak anymore!
That’s how much our mood and general outlook in life can affect how confident we are in any situation, how we think of our ability to do something.
The problem is, we humans are hardwired to look more on the negative side of things because of our negativity bias. And our brain uses heuristics or shortcuts to make sense of what’s happening now connecting it to what happened in the past or what we know is true. And these two negativity bias and heuristics together mean that we tune into self-doubt more easily than confidence.
What Helps Instead –
To know what helps build confidence and self esteem instead, watch the video up top… it’s brings the longest lasting effect.
I hope you found this helpful.
