Boundaries are all about creating a space to live the kind of life we want. They are small things that we can do to protect our time and energy without feeling stressed. So, let’s see how to set boundaries without feeling guilty or being rude.
3 Steps how to set boundaries
To stop feeling guilty about setting boundaries, we need to understand first and foremost that it’s all about us. Not about changing anyone else, or telling others what they should be doing. It’s more to do with letting people know how we want to be treated and what’s okay with us and what’s not.
Healthy, flexible boundaries help foster well-being, self-control, and self-esteem.
– Journal of Family Theory and Review (Vol.10, issue 2, June 2018)
We don’t share our passwords with people not because we don’t like them, but because we want to protect our personal space, right? It’s a boundary and it’s about us.
People can like or dislike the choices we make, but we are not responsible for how others feel about our choices in life. That’s what it means to set boundaries – making clear distinction between what’s our responsibility and what’s not. How our life shapes up, is our responsibility. But how others feel about it, is their responsibility.
1. Which boundaries to set
So, keeping this in mind the first step is to identify which boundaries we need.
- Ask what isn’t working right now. What are the things that frustrate me, make me feel irritated or exhausted? Who or what do I feel resentful against because I am pressured to do something? These questions help us find the areas in our life that would work better with some limits and structure in place.
- So, the question now is what will help protect your time, space, or sanity? Keep in mind what is and isn’t in your control. And be as specific as you can. What would you like to say no to so that you have more time and energy to say yes to the things you really want… giving you a better sense of control over your life.
Finding which boundaries to set is a very important step because it brings us clarity about what it’s going to change for us and why that change is important for us. It is the biggest thing that will help you navigate through all the pushback, all those ‘why are you being so difficult’ questions when setting boundaries.
2. How to set boundaries without being rude
It might feel like we are about to step into an unpleasant conversation, but knowing how to set boundaries in relationships is important because we can’t always be there for the people in our life. We can try, but it’s exhausting and impractical because we have other things going on in our life, right? A lack of healthy boundaries can leave everyone feeling drained, guilty, or resentful of each other.
- Practice. Practice what you would like to say first on your own. I like doing this because it makes me feel ready for how they might react and how I would then respond productively in each scenario. It makes me feel more in control, more confident.
- Right setup. It’s important that we stay calm, give them our full attention, and pick the right time and place to communicate our boundaries.
- Non-accusing. Use I more than you. Like, “I feel this when this is said to me”. You feels a bit accusing, whereas I lowers the chances of people getting defensive.
- Clear and simple. Pick the main thing that is bothering you and focus on that. Be clear about what you are expecting and what’s not acceptable.
- Expect pushback. If there’s pushback, “like that’s very selfish of you”, or “It didn’t bother you before”, it’s better to simply acknowledge that you understand they might be feeling this way. But this is what works for you and is important for you.
3. Goldilocks approach to maintain boundaries
And once we let people know what’s okay and not for us, it’s important that we stick to the boundaries we set because otherwise it creates confusion. People don’t know where they stand with us, what can they count on us for.
It becomes a ‘why not’ conversation which drains our energy to the point where we decide to just ‘go with the flow’. But, going with the flow doesn’t make things easier. It only adds resentment to the relationship which hurts it in the long run.
So, sticking to our boundaries is important, but here’s the twist.
Watch the video up top to see how to navigate this twist effectively.
Meet you over there.
