These 5 life skills are essential because they not only help deal with life problems more effectively but also provide tools to successfully achieve your goals. So, let’s see how to develop, improve, and use them in the real world backed by what science has to say about it. 

Don’t miss the fifth one, it makes every skill more powerful.

How to Quickly develop 5 essential life skills

1. Resilience (for stress management, adaptability, and flexibility)

Whether it’s a work problem or a personal challenge, resilience gives us the tools to handle them in a way that they have the least possible effect on our goals, motivation, and general sense of satisfaction in life. It’s a core life skill because it helps manage stress and uncertainties better by empowering us to respond, react, and adapt in a productive way.

The science behind it –

Studies have found that the anterior mid-cingulate cortex is directly connected to tenacity and willpower and that it gets activated better when we have to overcome some resistance. This simply means that when you do what you really don’t want to do, or resist something that you really want to you are exercising resilience, training that part of the brain to stay in control which is responsible for creative thinking and problem-solving. That’s how we make better decisions and stay in control.

How to do it –

And the best part is that resisting simple things can work better than doing tough things we have gotten used to. Like, if you stop yourself from eating that cookie or even wait till you finish whatever you are doing before eating it. That would help activate the anterior mid-cingulate cortex and exercise resilience more than managing something tough. Like, dealing with a nagging boss that has become an everyday task for you. The key is to do a little bit more or a little bit less than what feels normal so that you experience some resistance.

https://youtu.be/Dd6125t2dp0

2. Problem-solving

From fixing the broken cabinet door to navigating difficult conversations, we use problem-solving skills in so many ways every day. Our ability to develop solutions or find creative workarounds to problems not only helps us navigate the complexities in life but also get what we truly want… successfully achieve goals. Problem-solving is one of the essential life skills because it makes us more confident in our ability to handle whatever comes our way.

The science behind this essential life skill –

From the evolutionary psychology point of view, problem-solving is hardwired in our brain for survival, think creatively to meet basic needs. Problem-solving makes us more adaptable to change.

And according to cognitive science, it makes us more confident. When developing solutions we need to consider different perspectives. And this not only means we are adding to our knowledge base but also tweaking to what works better, refining our abilities. This reinforces those neural pathways making us more confident about handling problems in the future too. 

How to do it –

To make this work faster, create your own structured approach, a framework, that works for you. Like,

Step 1 – stop worrying to think more productively. And a quick way to do this is asking ‘Are the things I am worrying about most likely to happen or are they the worst-case scenario?’ 

Step 2- get specific. What exactly do you want solved because it’s tough to find solutions for vague things like, “This is not working”. But remember to focus on the things you do want instead of what you don’t want.

Step 3 – Find what needs to be done next. And it’s good to remember that those goals and action plans have a better chance of getting completed which have a timeframe set for them. 

3. Decision-making is an essential life skill

Now, while problem-solving is about being creative, and generating new ideas and solutions to the roadblocks and problems in life, decision-making is about choosing which one of these would work best for us. And making better decisions faster is one of the most essential life skills because what seems to be the best option at first isn’t always the best one to choose.

The science behind it –

The option that instinctively feels right could be a heuristic trap.

While heuristics can reduce the burden of decision-making and free up limited cognitive resources, they can also be costly when they lead individuals to miss critical information or act on unjust biases.

– Psychology Today

The brain quickly finds a past situation that seems similar and suggests what worked in that situation. But the problem is that it can ignore potentially important stuff to find similarity. This means, what worked before won’t necessarily work for what we want done right now.

How to do it –

What saves time and energy, is to do an opportunity cost analysis. When we choose to go down one way, it means it is coming at the cost of all the other options we are giving up. And so, the given-up possibilities are the cost of that opportunity. So, find which option leaves you with the least regret. It will help quickly check whether the option ties in with your priorities or not.

https://youtu.be/VTqaCSS_wBM

4. Responsibility (for better relationships and self-management)

This is one of the essential life skills because knowing we can make things happen instead of feeling like things keep happening to us, not only

• improves our relationships because being accountable for our actions makes us come across as reliable, dependable, and trustworthy
• but it also motivates us to set and achieve goals influencing what happens more in our life.

The science behind it –

Setting and pursuing goals taps into our psychological need for autonomy and our belief in our ability to succeed. Plus, when we skill up to achieve those goals or find ways to overcome problems along the way, it boosts neuroplasticity in the brain.

How to do it –

A quick and easy way to do this is to simply reframe the situation highlighting what your influence can be on it. Like, “I worked so hard but my proposal got rejected because they didn’t tell me about all the dos and don’ts”. Instead of that, try, “Next time, I will make sure to double check all the dos and don’ts.” When we highlight our influence on any situation, it adds to self-efficacy… our belief in our ability to achieve goals.

https://youtu.be/6pEb5l7nqo8

5. Booster to make these essential life skills more powerful

This life skill helps us use those tools effectively, which empowers us to make the best of any situation. Watch the video up top to learn how to make this your default way of approaching anything in life.

I hope you found this useful.

The post 5 Essential Life Skills You CAN’T Afford To Overlook appeared first on Nandyz Soulshine.

These 3 things can help you see if procrastinating, putting things off for later will work for you or against you. And if it is not going to work for you, then how to stop procrastinating.

3 Keys to know if it’s working for you (+ how to stop procrastinating)

1. Is it making you productive?

When we keep putting off making a decision, it could be good because we would then have time to look at it from different angles and make a well-informed choice. Even when trying to figure out something, if we just put it aside for a while and do something totally different, it usually brings up the solution more easily.

That’s because the brain got a break from processing all the information and got a chance to connect the dots more effectively. 

“Detailed analysis revealed that mindfulness was associated with impaired problem solving when approaching problems with insight, but increased problem solving when using analysis.”

– Claire M Zedelius , Jonathan W Schooler (Mind wandering “Ahas” versus mindful reasoning)

And when there’s just too much to do and things kind of start stressing us out, shifting things to later based on their priority can free up our mental bandwidth so that we can do what’s important more effectively. It can ironically help us be more productive.

How to make procrastination productive:

1. Enough time – There has to be enough time to shift things to later without compromising the quality of our effort.
2. Time limit – There has also to be a clear time-limit for when we are going to resume the task, which we need to be serious about. Because otherwise, it’s simply going to become a source of unnecessary stress in our life. 
3. Realistic – The time available should be enough to change those things that are holding us back from taking action in the first place. If it’s something that needs deeper work, the better option would be to find how to start taking action despite the hurdle making us procrastinate.

And so, how to stop procrastinating becomes all about understanding why we want to put things off to later.

https://youtu.be/kvlt6DksQZ8

2. Type of procrastinaTION

Knowing whether it’s a certain type of task that makes us procrastinate or whether it’s normal for us to leave things to the last moment can tell a lot about how things are going to pan out.

So, if we are able to more or less maintain a daily routine but can’t seem to get started on a task, it’s task specific procrastination. And that means, the resistance to act is trying to show what would work better. 

How to stop procrastinating:

1. Chunking down –  It could be telling us the task is too stretched out and so motivation is running thin because there are no little yay moments to keep us excited. So, chunking it down to multiple short-term goals gradually adding up to the big one can help stop procrastinating.
2. Skill up – Maybe the task is too difficult and at some level we feel it might not work out… and so we are worried what failing would show about us. And so in that case, skilling up or asking for help would be a more efficient way to reach the end.
3. Review goal – it may also mean that we are not too sold out on the idea and aren’t really convinced about what it’s going to do for us. So, maybe we need to stop wasting time working on something we are not too keen to add to our life. 

But, if it’s not just some specific kind of task we are procrastinating on and it’s normal for to leave things to the last moment. Or, maybe it kind of fluctuates, some days things get done on time and other days they keep piling up – then it’s general procrastination.

The good and bad of procrastination:

Maybe, working under pressure brings out the best in you… sharpens your focus or makes you more productive. And that’s good. But the downside of being a general procrastinator is that the frequent buildup of stress hormones is going to affect our physical and mental health in the long-run. And so it becomes important to know how to stop procrastinating when it’s not going to help.

3. How to stop procrastinating – what type of procrastinaTOR are you?

Also, understanding what kind of procrastinator we are makes it easier to know why we are procrastinating. There can be many reasons, like may be the task feels boring, or too tough, or may be other important things are popping up which need to be handled STAT. So, the reasons show us what needs to change so that we can start taking action again.

How to stop procrastinating:

1. Worrier or Perfectionist – For the worrier, procrastination is about trying to ensure there are no mistakes. And for the perfectionist it’s about ensuring there are no chances of failure. And that’s good. But the problem arises when it’s never perfect enough because then the good intentions come at the cost of finishing the task.  Watch the video up top to know what needs to change as well as the other types of common procrastinators.

The post How to Tell if It Will Work For You + How to Stop Procrastinating if It Won’t appeared first on Nandyz Soulshine.

It’s important to stay calm in any situation because that is when most of our mental tools are available for use. When in stress mode, our brain cuts access to the reasoning and problem-solving part limiting our ability to respond in a constructive way. So, let’s see quickly how to stay calm in any situation effortlessly showing up with greater resilience and confidence every time.

How to stay calm in any situation

1. When dealing with people

Even though connecting or at least interacting with another person is critical for us to be healthy mentally, it is also one of the things that creates a big chunk of our problems. How and what and why someone says anything can make us feel happy or unhappy in our relationships.

And it’s natural to feel angry when the other person is blowing up or saying things that are irritating you. But giving back what they are dishing out is rarely ever helpful. 

When people experience emotional exhaustion, it can make them feel emotionally drained, overwhelmed, and fatigued…. Emotional exhaustion causes both physical and emotional effects that, in turn, can affect a person’s behavior.

– Medical News Today

What to do instead: 

1. Validate them

Before putting forth your point, say “May be, you are right, but” then say what you have to say. It shows that you heard them, think they might have a valid point, and so what you have to say comes across as another possibility rather than saying “I am right you are wrong”. Sometimes, all the arguing person wants is for us to acknowledge the possibility that they are right.

2. Voice and pace

keeping the focus on what we can control, keep your voice and pace of speech intentionally as normal as possible. The more normal you sound, the more in control you will feel.

3. “I” over ‘you”

Using more “I” sentences than “you” sentences help manage situations better. Like, instead of saying “why are you being so disrespectful”, saying “I am not feeling comfortable with this” sounds far less aggressive. It helps turn the heat down while getting the message across.

https://youtu.be/mT-dCxotkKk

2. How to stay calm in difficult situations

Demanding tough situations can make us feel frustrated or overwhelmed. See, what stresses us out about tough situations in the first place is focusing on the problem, like “How am I ever going to handle that?” and then all the “what if this happens, what if that happens?” come rushing into our mind. They can cause cognitive overload leaving very less energy or even mental space to focus on finding a solution or figuring out what to do next.

What to do instead: 

1. Physiological sigh

The first thing to do is calm down physically… get out of that anxious, stressed state. So, do physiological sigh.

“Working with Jack Feldman’s Lab, our lab (Huberman Lab), and others, the Physiological sigh is the fastest hard-wired way for us to eliminate the stressful response in our body quickly in real time.”

– Andrew Huberman, renowned neuroscientist

When feeling stressed, do a double inhale with a double exhale – inhale, inhale, then exhale the double. The long exhales rids our body and blood stream of CO2 more effectively when we do a double inhale because that inflates also those little sacks of the lungs.

2. Change brain modes

Follow every “what if this happens” with a “If this happens then I will do that”. Even if we can’t come up with a convincing solution every time, the simple act of thinking intentionally to sort through the options and connect the dots will shift us out of the primal brain mode (which is where we are when feeling stressed) and shift more into the prefrontal cortex mode – the reasoning, creative thinking and solution finding part of our brain.

3. Close the worry loop

Also, coming up with even a tentative action plan can tune down those “what if” thoughts makes us feel more confident. And confidence is what helps us approach any situation with a calm mind. Psychologically, the action plan seems like a solution and closes the worry loop in our brain.

3. How to stay calm in any situation (even when there’s fear of failure)

Worrying that things might not go as planned, or turn out as we want them to makes us overthink everything. It creates a pressure on performance. And trying to minimize the chances of failure, we overanalyze the situation trying to make everything as perfect as can be.

But explicit monitoring is actually counterproductive because it creates stress which lowers our cognitive performance. And so, knowing how to stay calm in any situation is a coping skill that exponentially improves our chances of succeeding.

What to do instead: 

Watch the video up top to know what takes the pressure off of performance quickly.

Meet you right over there.

The post 3 Science-Backed Tips On How To Stay Calm In Any Situation appeared first on Nandyz Soulshine.

What seems to be the best option in the moment isn’t always the right one for us. That’s one of the biggest reasons why only when looking back can we be sure whether a decision was good or not. Lets quickly see how that happens and also what to do instead to make better decisions in life.

How to make better decisions faster

1. Missing elements

The option that instinctively feels right could be a heuristic trap – shortcuts that our brain uses to save energy. And these shortcuts are good to make routine choices, like what would you like to order at your favorite café.  But when it comes to making decision for something new, the brain quickly finds a past experience that seems similar and suggests what worked in that situation.

But the problem is, it can ignore potentially important stuff to find similarity. And so what worked before doesn’t really mean it will work again. 

What to do instead –

If you have time, sleep on it. But if there’s no time for that, do something else for a while. It lets our brain keep working in the background without us interrupting, connecting ideas that we wouldn’t even consciously think of. 

A study conducted by the Carnegie Mellon University, finds that the brain regions responsible for making decisions continue to be active even when the conscious brain is distracted with a different task

It also gives us more clarity about the situation and so we can better see whether what seemed to be a good choice at first still feels so or not.

The bottom line is, to make better decisions it helps not to act on the first thing that comes to mind without giving it more thought.

https://youtu.be/WCJjtvEanlY

2. Overkill is not the way to make better decisions

But thinking something through to find the best option doesn’t always mean we will make better decisions. Because sometimes we end up collecting too much information. In psychology, the people who do this are called maximizers, trying to cover every base to make the best decision.

With too much information there’s the risk of analysis paralysis, which means we get stuck in indecision, and that’s what leads to missed opportunities.

What to do instead –

1. Paradox of choice – Too many options can push us into indecision. This is called the paradox of choice. Too many choices actually means we need to put in more effort to choose. And that leaves us feeling unsatisfied with the choice. So, limit options to the 3 or 4 most viable ones.
2. Use opportunity cost analysis – When we choose to go down one way, it means we are giving up all the other paths, That’s the cost of that opportunity. So, find which option leaves you with the least regrets.
3.  Pro tip – Make smaller everyday decisions part of a routine or batch them. Like, meal planning or sorting out at the beginning of every week what you will wear to work each day. Getting smaller decisions out of the way helps avoid decision fatigue, leaving more energy for our brain to process information and make better decisions.

https://youtu.be/MPHjqnGrfc4

3. Clarity

But, to do the opportunity cost analysis we have to be clear about one thing. Watch the video up top to know what makes every decision feel satisfying no matter what the outcome.

Meet you right over there.

The post How To Make Better Decisions Without Overthinking appeared first on Nandyz Soulshine.

Is self-doubt really the opposite of confidence, or is there more to it? Because evolutionarily, self-doubt and confidence were both meant for us to do better. Confidence to fearlessly try out new things, and self-doubt to know when we need to skill up. And so to overcome self doubt means knowing exactly what we need to work on… find the root cause every time self doubt holds us back to know which exact strategy to use.

How to overcome self-doubt

1. When not feeling confident enough

The most common cause for doubting our ability or decision to do something is a lack of confidence. It’s when we aren’t sure whether we have what something demands, whether we will be able to get the results we want. See, confidence isn’t an overall trait. It’s not like you are a confident person or you are not at all. It differs from situation to situation.

People who have a lot of self-doubts are thought to have a lot of variation in their judgment of their own abilities… and may be uncertain about their ability to cause a desired outcome.

– Braslow, Guerrettaz, Arkin, & Oleson, 2012

What Helps –

• Feel more in control:

  Self-doubt makes it tough to know whether how we feel about our ability is right or not because it could very well be our negativity bias throwing up these thoughts of self-doubt.

  So, use the second position of perceptual repositioning to take an objective look at things. Think of it as if your friend is in that situation, not you. Then check how much expertise is really needed, how much is there realistically right now, and if there’s a gap then what needs to be done?

• Cut back the need to overcome self-doubt – But, moving forward, it also helps to cut back on situations that make us doubt our ability.

  So, make sure that there’s enough time to fill any knowledge gap or to get the help needed before agreeing to something. It’s about proactively cutting back those situations that can make us doubt ourselves. It’s easier than trying to overcome self-doubt.

https://youtu.be/SFJtv9Npa00

2. Overcome self doubt when there’s a lack of courage for risks involved

Courage is different from confidence because it fuels our actions when we know we do not have quite a wide knowledge about something… when we wing it trusting that we will be able to learn along the way to keep moving forward.

And when there’s a lack of courage, self-doubt is about avoidance – avoiding failure, embarrassment, disappointment. It’s when we hold back, like when we procrastinate.

Procrastination (is an)… example of self-handicaps that enable us to blame our struggles on something other than our incompetence. Unfortunately, this strategy often just leads to worsening self-doubt .

– Braslow, Guerrettaz, Arkin, & Oleson, 2012

What Helps –

• Do want:

  Avoidance makes us feel stuck because of the paradox of choice, too many options. Like, “I don’t want this to happen, or that to happen, or that other thing to happen”. So, focus on what you do want to happen.

• Specifics to overcome self doubt: General ideas like “I want this to work” don’t really help. So, use reframing technique to get into specifics. Instead of “I don’t know” or “I don’t think I can”, find out what specifically you think is going to stop you, or what hurdle are you expecting.
• What can you control:

  And so, what can we do about that? What can we change? This will give us a specific goal and an action plan showing us what we can specifically work on to feel more confident, feel more in control.

When we start seeing the possibility of failure as just another problem to be solved along the way, courage comes naturally into the mix.

https://youtu.be/WCJjtvEanlY

3. Subconscious root cause (self-esteem and limiting beliefs)

But, when self-doubt sounds like, I am not this enough or that enough, or shows imposter syndrome… feeling as if we succeeded by fluke, it points towards a deeper problem.  Our experiences while growing up work together to shape our beliefs which guide our choices and decisions in life. Now, some of them work at a subconscious level, meaning we are not even aware of them. And when  some of these beliefs start to limit what we think is possible for us, they come out as self-doubt.

Many research studies have shown that “basically, anything that leads us to question our existing beliefs, thoughts, emotions, etc… can lead to self-doubt”

– Tchiki Davis, PhD

What Helps –

• Importance for motivation:

  If we can find the importance of why we have to do something, find out how it’s going to get us closer to what we truly want in life, the importance will override the resistance and doubts we have. Because that creates an internal locus of motivation which can tide us over self-doubt and setbacks along the way.

• Leverage strengths:

  Then, mould whatever you have to do around your strengths.

  Like, I am not very comfortable with public speaking. So, to overcome self-doubt, I would use my strength – creativity. I will create an engaging presentation to go with it so that people can focus more on that than all eyes on me. That means, it would work twice. First to distract me from all those self-doubting thoughts and then to feel more comfortable and confident when speaking.

• Audit to minimize self doubt: Watch the video up top to know how to do this and also to learn all about the 4th very sneaky root cause of self-doubt. Meet you over there.

The post 4 Things Holding You Back | How To Overcome Self Doubt appeared first on Nandyz Soulshine.

Does the thought of failing make you work harder or does it make you think twice about doing it? Knowing this is important because though fear is essentially meant to do us good… keep us safe and surviving, it can also hold us back from going after the things we want more of in our life. So, let’s look into which strategies work best when, to overcome the fear of failure. But to make that work optimally, we need to be aware of a couple of things, sort of lay the right foundation. So, let’s get them in place quickly first.

How to overcome the fear of failure

Everything our brain does is aimed at making us survive longer. And even though the things that stress us every day won’t usually kill us on their own, our brain is stuck at a stone age level of evolution and feels if we are stressed about something, it’s a threat to our survival. So, it starts catastrophizing – churning out all the worst-case scenarios. And this gradually makes us afraid of failure.

1. Fear of failure helping or harming you?

If it is doing us good –

One way this can make us act is we start putting in more effort just to avoid failing. And that usually means better chances of success, right? Like, the fear of failing in exams makes us study harder.

Sure, we get better grades as a result. But, the bigger outcome is that we gain more knowledge. Like, can you imagine the quality of healthcare we would get if doctors were simply taken through the training with a degree at the end without having to pass any exams? Yeah, it does start to make sense if you think about it like that, doesn’t it?

We start to understand how a fear of failure becomes good in that sense. And if it’s helping us get better results in whatever we do, then why would we want to overcome it?

When it holds us back –

But when it starts to overwhelm us, hold us back from going after what we really want, that’s when we need to stop and find a way out.

The fear of failure can be because of many different consequences we would rather avoid. And that’s why every strategy won’t work as well for every situation.

So, it becomes really important to know what specifically are we trying to avoid.

https://youtu.be/aNHSRTBa0Lk

2. Find the specific reason

We react to and try to cope with that fear differently depending on the reason. We might wish to avoid embarrassment, shame, disappointing someone, or just uncertainty. And anyways, it’s easier to find a solution when you know the cause, right?

Researchers on fear of failure have identified several negative consequences people with a fear of failure expect, including feelings of shame and embarrassment, a big-blow to self-esteem, the prospect of an uncertain future, the loss of social influence, and disappointing important others.

– Psychology Today

So, broadly speaking, there are usually 2 main reasons –

Catastrophizing (part of survival mechanism) –

This can be sneaky and tough to notice because sometimes it works at a subconscious level. We would be procrastinating on something or becoming overly perfectionist about something without even realizing that we are just trying to avoid reaching the end. At some level we feel it’s going to be something we won’t really like.

Catastrophizing causes us to lose confidence in our capabilities and ability to handle any situation. And so failure seems more likely than it is really.

Learnt fear (part of sociocultural conditioning) – 

Fear is something that we kind of learn through sociocultural conditioning – the things we learn while growing up which help us survive as individuals and as a part of society.

When learning to walk or talk we never knew to be afraid of feeling embarrassed, falling and failing over and over again. But, somewhere along the way to becoming adolescents and grown-ups, we pick up on the idea that failing undermines our standing in a social setting. It shows something lacking in us and so needs to be avoided at all costs. We start to hold back because if we fail, what would it show about us?

But the silver lining in this is that, as fear of failure and rejection is a learnt behavior, so it is obviously something that can also be unlearnt. And that becomes the key to finding the right strategy.

3. Choose your strategy

As we know by now, there are 4 main type of things that we wish to avoid when we are holding back because of a fear of failure.

1. Letting people down (partly learnt fear) –

If it’s because we feel what we have to offer is probably not enough, we are not this enough or that enough…and may be also we don’t want to let those people down who matter to us, disappoint them… then it helps to do these 2 things.

• Slow things down. stop all the thoughts popping and rushing in your head focus on what you can control. Check how prepared you are. When we focus on this, there is very little mental bandwidth left to focus on the things we are afraid of. The network of neurons in our brain cannot actively process two different things at the same time.
• Have a plan. Confidence is all about feeling prepared and in control of any situation. Have a plan for how you will deal with the scariest outcomes, keeping of course your focus on the things you can control. If you need to, break things down into smaller manageable chunks and change whatever you feel is not working for you.

2. Lot to lose personally (partly catastrophizing) –

Another big reason is we fear we are at risk of losing a lot personally. If things don’t work out the way we want, we might end up with considerable wasted time, effort, and resources. What helps overcome the fear of failure here is to –

• Remember your why. why are you working on this in the first place? Will it in any way, directly on indirectly, help you be where you want to be in say 5 or 10 years from now? 

• And if it will, then ask yourself which one would you regret most – not even trying or bearing a bit of loss?

For which strategy to use for the other two types of fear of failure, watch the video up top. One of them underlies all these reasons.

Meet you there.

The post Don’t Let The Fear Of Failure Hold You Back | 3 Tips To Help appeared first on Nandyz Soulshine.

If you can’t stop overthinking something, use any of these simple techniques to stop things playing in a loop in your head. Whether worrying over something that’s yet to happen or, rehashing something that’s already happened, knowing how to step out of the worry loop is a life skill that can rewire our brain in a way that works more efficiently for us. 

“There are times when the worry about the problem is a lot worse than the problem itself.”

– David Spiegel (director of the Center on Stress and Health at Stanford Health Care)

3 Effective techniques to stop overthinking and worrying

1. Cognitive reframing to stop catastrophizing

We like to think some things through mainly because of 2 reasons –

• Either because it makes us feel more prepared, more in control of situations.
• Or, because we want to find a meaning that would make more sense like, “why would he do that” or “why did she say that”.

But this becomes a problem when we focus more on what could go wrong, when we can’t stop overthinking…focusing more on the things we don’t have control over. And when you focus on the things you don’t want, a hundred and one possibilities pop up in our mind. Anxious overthinking has lots of ‘what ifs’. And so, it sends us into decision paralysis. We can’t decide which of the “what if” scenarios to tackle first and at a subconscious level, we become afraid to take action.

What to do instead – 

Whether it’s the thing you want to avoid or the thing you dread might happen, overthinking always has some degree or kind of fear at the core of it. And so, to stop catastrophizing… worrying what all could go wrong, we use perceptual repositioning with cognitive reframing – looking at the situation in a way that makes us feel more in control.

1. Turn ‘why’s to ‘how’s –

Worrying unproductively or overthinking usually has a lot of why. Turn all these whys into hows instead. Like, instead of “why is this happening to me”, try asking “how can I make this work for me?” The whole perspective shifts from feeling powerlessness to a more empowered sense of control over the situation.

2. Look out for hyper adjectives –

like never and always. Sometimes, we say things like “this is the absolute worst”. Stop and ask yourself, “really, there’s nothing worse than this?” It won’t only disrupt the overthinking loop, but also help bring things to a more realistic level.

And for the times when we keep rehashing things that have already happened, when we can’t stop overthinking something from the past, the next one works really well.

https://youtu.be/rphKOMXQcqg

2. Perceptual repositioning to stop rumination

Now, it’s not really easy to move on or get over things when you feel hurt, or betrayed, or snubbed. We simply can’t sometimes switch it off, stop it playing in a loop in our head, or we want to think it through from every angle trying to find some kind of meaning that would make some sense. Now, that’s totally normal with a lot of perfectly reasonable explanations behind it.

But it also hurts how we handle other problems or things happening right now. Obsessive thinking can create a mental rut, which makes it tough to come up with out of the box solutions in our life… solutions that help us manage situations effectively.

What to do instead – 

What can help stop overthinking and worrying, is using the second position of perceptual repositioning. Here’s how it works.

See, situations do not have any emotional value except the ones we attach to them. Like, when we see something unfair happening, it can make us sad, make someone else feel angry, or leave another person totally unaffected by it, walking away as if nothing happened. The situation was the same, how we looked at it decided our reaction to it.

1. Change vantage point – 

We usually take offence at what we assume the other person’s intentions are. So, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see if it could mean something else.

Like say, you said something to your friend. But now you can’t stop thinking how they reacted or what they might be thinking of you now. So, imagine yourself to be at the receiving end… as if you are that friend and some person like you said it to them. What else can you see about the situation now? What else might you be thinking?  

2. Plan for action –

This will either diffuse the situation… showing that it wasn’t as drastic as we were catastrophizing. Or, show us some specific points that we can ask “can I do anything about it”. If yes, then “what”. Action is always the best antidote to stress and worry whether it’s physical action or action in the sense… a goal and a plan of action.

But sometimes we are so close to the situation, that it feels tough to see how it can mean anything else. That’s where the next technique comes in.

3. Third-party operator to stop overthinking

Because sometimes, it’s simply not possible to push all those negative thoughts out of our head. Our brain is wired to give more priority to the negatives… that’s part of our survival mechanism. And so, we go into ruminative brooding like, “everyone must be thinking I am such a fool”, or “why did they look at me when they said that”. And the more you think, the bleaker the thing looks.

What to do instead – 

Watch the video up top to know how to use the third-party operator technique to step out of an overthinking loop. It’s simple but highly effective.

I hope you found this helpful.

The post How To Stop Overthinking Using 3 Simple Psychotherapy Techniques appeared first on Nandyz Soulshine.

What do you think? What’s the one thing that makes you feel confident in any situation?

It’s knowing we have everything under control… in control of what needs to be done as well as of the possible risks. And so, self-doubt or low self-esteem…. a feeling of imperfect control comes from what similar experience from our past, or from those anxious predictions…. overestimating risk and underestimating our ability to cope with them.

And these CBT-based techniques, target both the root of the problem as well as help build confidence and self esteem immediately in every situation.

3 Science-based techniques to build confidence and self esteem

1. Quick confidence boost

First, let’s go for the technique that can make us feel more confident pretty quickly. Now, let’s say, there’s something I’ve always wanted to do, it has been my dream to do that. But when an opportunity pops up, I let it pass because I felt I wasn’t ready yet.

And that’s okay in itself, but it becomes a problem when it turns into a pattern… we keep holding back waiting for the perfect time or perfect conditions to begin. Because that then shows a lack of confidence in ourselves… in our ability to do what that situation might demand. 

What Helps Instead –

What can prove really effective here is to use the problem-solving approach of CBT because it empowers us to move from the passenger to the driver seat, feel more in control in any situation.

Step 1: Get down to specifics

Ask why you are holding back till you get a specific reason. Like, if I am not feeling ready yet… why? Well, may be because I feel I might fail. Again, why? Because I think I don’t have what it requires, don’t have some of the skills. So, you see, we get to a specific – from feeling not ready to what’s specifically missing.  

Step 2: Brainstorm and evaluate solutions

And so now, we can work on that specific to stack the odds more in our favor. We start finding solutions to that problem staying focused on the things we can control. Because when we can see that there are ways to get over those things we had doubts about… it makes us feel more confident in our ability to do what’s needed.

Step 3: Take action
To make this feeling more permanent, come up with an action plan because taking action helps build confidence and self esteem... how we think of our abilities and capabilities.

But, how do you feel confident when you know things can’t work out your way?

2. Improve motivation (in low confidence and self esteem situations)

Sometimes, it’s not what we feel doubtful about, but what we know we can’t do that saps our confidence, right? Like, “I can’t do that because I am not good with numbers”, or “these things never work out for me.” These only add to our feeling of dissatisfaction… of something missing in life.

See, the problem is, we think life works in black and white – what was true in the past will also happen in the future. But that’s not true, is it? Because if it were, there won’t be so many heartbreaks and frustrations because of unmet expectations. 

But what this also means is that what we couldn’t do in the past may have changed now… what didn’t work in the past may bring different results now.

What Helps Instead – 

And what helps giving a second chance to the things we “know” is cognitive restructuring… a very effective CBT technique, which is essentially about looking at the situation from other points of views to open up more possibilities...because possibilities give us hope and make us feel more confident.

So, using a condensed version of Socratic questioning, start by asking –

Step 1: Evidence

What evidence you have for and against that thought. Like, if I feel I am not smart enough to learn say, virtual reality coding, what makes me think that?

Step 2: Fact or feeling

What’s making me think that a fact or is it just what I feel?

Step 3: Experienced or told

If it’s a fact, then is there something in the past that made me feel this way or was I told it was so? Or, was I just told that it was so?

Step 4: What else could it mean

If it was a specific situation, then is there any other way to look at it? Like, in the example we took of coding, if I couldn’t learn a coding in the past even after I tried really hard, can that be that I might not have chosen the right person to learn from or chose the wrong goal to work towards, because it’s something that didn’t really interest me?

See, how this opens up possibilities? If we can see the thought as the worst-case scenario instead of the most likely outcome, we feel more confident and a little less dismissive of our ability to see it through… it goes a long way to build confidence and self esteem in that situation. 

But, it’s not always easy to look at situations this objectively, especially if things haven’t been going our way lately and are feeling a bit down in the dumps, right?

https://youtu.be/aNHSRTBa0Lk

3. Overriding the default mode to build confidence and self esteem

You know how sometimes you feel “this won’t work, it’s such a drab”. And, so you go out for the night with friends, have a great time, return home, and that thing doesn’t seem so bleak anymore!

That’s how much our mood and general outlook in life  can affect how confident we are in any situation, how we think of our ability to do something.

The problem is, we humans are hardwired to look more on the negative side of things because of our negativity bias. And our brain uses heuristics or shortcuts to make sense of what’s happening now  connecting it to what happened in the past or what we know is true. And these two negativity bias and heuristics together mean that we tune into self-doubt more easily than confidence.

What Helps Instead –

To know what helps build confidence and self esteem instead, watch the video up top… it’s brings the longest lasting effect.

I hope you found this helpful.

The post How To Build Confidence And Self Esteem: 3 Science-Based Techniques appeared first on Nandyz Soulshine.

Whether we realize it or not, the beliefs we hold about us, other people, situations, environment, things in general… guide our every choice. And these can help us navigate life efficiently…or, they can make us miss out on some of the most promising possibilities in life. So, let’s see how to avoid these decision making traps and succeed beyond your self limiting beliefs.

3 Decision making mistakes – self limiting beliefs to look out for

We know something is good…but then we hold back either because there’s so much uncertainty around it or we feel “it’s good, but I don’t think I can pull it off”. And the decision we do go with, even though they might bring us what we wanted… leave us feeling like something’s missing. To feel truly satisfied with life, we need to start getting out of our own way.

1. Avoid subconscious mistakes

When making a decision, we like to go with the option that we know worked in the past, right? It’s like that solution has proven track record. And we do this because our brain likes to use mental shortcuts to make decisions or solve problems by using what worked in the past. It’s called heuristics. 

“These rule-of-thumb strategies shorten decision-making time and allow people to function without constantly stopping to think about their next course of action” – Kendra Cherry, MS

And this is good because it makes us more efficient…frees up our mind more quickly to do other things.

But, there’s also a flip side to this. This is also the reason why we sometimes realize later that the small thing we missed was actually important enough to change everything. That’s how some of our most confident choices sometimes end up being one of those embarrassing mistakes…you know the times when it’s like “I don’t know how I missed that!”

What helps instead –

And the thing that really helps avoid these situations is, If the cost of error is going to be significant, avoid making snap decisions….. before acting on the first solution that pops into your head, take a pause.

Think it through a bit to come up with a couple more solutions. And if the initial one still feels good, then sure… go with it. But relying blindly on the first idea because you feel you know that’s what to do… can be a mistake.

That’s also how some of those self limiting beliefs that hold us back work. If we couldn’t do something in the past, like say, we couldn’t speak in front of a 1000 people, we instinctively discard the options that requires us to do that again. And that sounds logical, but it can make us miss some of the most promising opportunities in life. We have to decide whether it’s a price that we are willing to pay.

So, how do we stop holding ourselves back?

https://youtu.be/aNHSRTBa0Lk

2. Self limiting beliefs holding you back

That needs us to know and to notice the moments when we like some option but feel kind of a resistance in our stomach… the idea feels tempting but then you get a, “I like it. But, I don’t think I’m this enough or that enough to pull it off.” And so we settle down for the next best thing.

And, sometimes, even the uncertainty around the choices make us uncomfortable and we step back into safety…into the known familiarity of the space created by our self limiting beliefs…. all those thoughts that justify our holding back.

What helps instead – 

One way to side-step this trap and make more satisfying decisions is to

• look out for the “only ifs” and “buts” when crossing out a good option. That’s where most of our limiting beliefs hide.

• And get comfortable with uncertainty. We think it’s bad, but uncertainty is also what accompanies all those times when we feel proud of ourselves for doing something unexpected.

Think of all the choices that you had no way of knowing how they would work out, but they turned out just fine and created all those wonderful memories for you. That’s proof that the beliefs that guide our decisions, aren’t always true. And when we can see that, it’s easier to go beyond these unhelpful thoughts and make better decisions.

That’s really helpful, but it doesn’t cover those times when we give in to peer pressure or choose something just because “that’s how it has always been done.” How do we go past that?

3. No-regret decision making formula

“We humans are a social species, tribal by nature. ‘Belonging’, our capacity and need for empathy, compassion, and communication, is in our DNA.” – Saul Levine, MD

See, we have always survived better within a tribe… there’s more safety, security, and surety. And even though we like our alone time, isolation isn’t something we enjoy… no matter how much of an introvert we are.

And this means that… we may like to carve our own path, make choices that go against convention because we feel it’s the right one for us. But, we also naturally make conventional choices in other areas of our life.

The problem arises when we regret these decisions later… whether going with the usual choice or rebelling against it.

What helps instead –

To know the best way to prevent such a situation…to start making no-regret decisions, watch the video up top.

I hope you found this helpful.

The post How To Succeed Beyond Your Self Limiting Beliefs | Before Making Your Next Decision appeared first on Nandyz Soulshine.

Thinking things through is good, that’s worrying productively but overthinking them not only makes us less productive, hurts our sleep and peace of mind, but also negatively affects how we experience life. And this 3-step roadmap that we are going to explore right now shows how to stop overthinking everything you say, do, or that happened to you.

How to stop overthinking everything

If we keep second-guessing our decisions, keep rehashing all those embarrassing moments, or can’t quieten the mind enough to fall asleep, then that means we are overthinking things.

Step 1: Know the difference – Harmful overthinking vs problem solving

The first thing is learning to notice

• when we are thinking towards something specific, thinking to find a solution and
• when we are just staying stuck in the what ifs, and only ifs…. that harmful overthinking, worrying unproductively.

Thinking the heck out of something can for some time make us feel like we know all the risks, everything that we might mess up and so can be ready for it. In a sense, it gives us a sense of control. But the more choices we have, the more confused we get. It’s called the paradox of choice. 

Thinking things through the wrong way simply adds to our stress because it usually only highlights all that could go wrong….all the dreadful scenarios. This is because our brain senses the tension and does it best to keep us safe and surviving. That’s part of our brain’s negativity bias. 

What helps instead –

The best way to notice when we are going about this thinking-things-through situation all wrong is 

• when we are stuck in the what ifs or only ifs… “only if things were different”. We don’t have a clear idea about what specifically we would like to happen… what is it that we do want. 

• The second thing to look out for is what are we focusing on. Is it the things that we can control, or are we worrying about the things that we have no control over, like other people’s behavior, general socio-economic conditions, and such.

  We only truly have control over what we do, think, and say. Nothing else. And so, we have to start getting comfortable with uncertainty…that’s how to stop overthinking everything… because when we are okay with uncertainty, we stop overanalyzing everything trying to be ready as much as we can and feel in control.

https://youtu.be/mMdlB-AWTVc

Step 2: Doing it the right way

Now that we can separate problem solving from our overthinking mode, it’s time to start doing it the right way – turning every overthinking loop into a problem-solving session.

When overthinking things that’ll happen in the future –

Here’s how I do it. Whenever I find myself getting lost in all the things that I don’t want, or why is this even happening to me, I just stop and switch intentionally to think about what I do want to happen. And so, how can I make that happen. What can I change to improve its chances of happening?

And when you get into the specifics, then a goal and an action plan starts to appear. Overthinking is kind of a never-ending loop… and this gives us a way to step out of that loop and move on with life.

When overthinking what happened in the past –

We also sometimes overanalyze things that have already happened… when we go “uggh, I should have said this instead”, or ”what did he mean when he said that” – always trying to read between the lines.

This needs work on our part on how much we care about what others think of us, how easily we take things to heart, and how much do we truly believe in our ability and capabilities. It needs us to have a healthy sense of self-esteem.

Step 3 of how to stop overthinking everything:
Get better at quick and effective decision making

Now, sometimes, especially when making a big or a scary decision we keep second-guessing our choice,  overanalyzing our decision. “What if I am missing out on something good?” or, “Shouldn’t I be trying out that one first?” … and we secretly wish “only if I knew how it was going to turn out.”

You see, most decisions feel definitely good or bad in hindsight, when we know what the outcome was…how much we liked what happened as a result of that choice. And since there’s no way to time-travel and know beforehand what the outcome is going to definitely be, we keep turning things in our head, overthinking things trying to analyze it as much as we can to have as much control as we can over what happens. 

Watch the video up top to know the real reason behind this and how to stop overthinking everything, overthinking every decision.

I hope you found this helpful.

The post How To Stop Overthinking Everything: A 3-Step Action Plan appeared first on Nandyz Soulshine.